I set you free

“God? No thanks, I’m on my own.”
- Albert Camus


Finally I’ve decided to do that. It’s not that I’m abandoning you once I made use of your service or being ungrateful. It’s out of compassion. (And of course I hold certain grudges against you.) How long it has been since I started to make you work for me. And the task in your hand, how many people might be using your service every now and then.

I remember the day I pleaded with you to make mother forget to tell father about the nasty word I uttered. That was on a gloomy evening. It took a summons from father and later a long burning red patch on my thigh to realize that you didn’t listen. I cried partly because of the pain and partly because of the thought that you let me down. But I was not willing to part ways with you. From then onwards, I made countless requests and appeals from time to time. It varied from killing the Mathematics teacher to make the cutest girl at School fall for me. Well, nothing of that sort happened. But some times you made my wishes true, though not exactly the way I had wanted you to. For example, I was a lousy bugger when it came to studies. I always yawned and fell asleep the moment I opened anything that’s even distantly associated with studies. But the day before results were announced, I always got butterflies in the stomach. I had wanted nothing less than a first class, and you would award me a pass, just a pass. But I knew in the heart of my heart that I didn’t even deserve it and it’s you who made it possible.


Then one day someone told me that you were dead, long back. And that sounded pretty cool. I pooh-poohed you in public and didn’t spare a single chance to scorn at you. But I secretly took initiatives to patch up with you, for there were troubled times. It was unthinkable how to move on without you. And God, some of the things I made you do for me, so silly, so damn silly. Had anyone ever made an appeal to you to keep the train coaches less crowded when they were on board? Have you ever had to make the queues at counters the shortest if not for me? Sorry dude. I’m really sorry.

What’s wrong with me, can you tell? Why I just hate all those goddamn fellows who are sitting next to me, or somewhere near me, in a restaurant, on a train, bus… Am I alright?
Okay leave me. Are you alright? See, you’re such a great guy and all. But don’t you feel bored of all these people who praise you 24x7. Are you some damn snob or what? I know this very rich guy who wears hell lotta gold chains, rings and all and appear in gleaming, printed silk shirts. I’ve heard a lot of people bitching about him. They show respect to him when he’s around. But they all say that he’s a damn fool and all it takes to get some favour from him is to praise him a lot. Sometimes you remind me of him. Okay, leave that too. After all who am I to talk about attention seeking and snobbery? To err is not just human; it’s Godly as well, huh? But why all these followers of you are so damn thin-skinned? They are always up in arms and too damn trigger happy. And is it with your knowledge that they organize themselves in different groups which they call religion? The funny thing is even those religions are further divided, further and further…Can you believe this that your ardent followers are the most touchy people on earth. Believe me, they are. And it’s not just about being touchy. These are the ones who cause a hell lot of problems all around the world. They blow away people brutally, kill mindlessly and perform countless such atrocities. But still, if you blame religions for such crimes, some goddamn fellow will come to the fore. He will then assume a fucking, phoney expression and preach, ‘all religions advocate peace, religious people are not responsible for the killings in the name of religion... blah, blah, blah’ What crap? Who else is responsible then, me? Each of these groups claims that you’re with them. Some claim that only through their religion one can reach heaven, of course only after dead and gone. Some of the promises are just like tempting advertisements. Lead a life of austerity here and you will be rewarded with voluptuous women and flowing wine up there, in the heaven. The fellows who wrote such compelling copy sure deserves a pat on their back. All these are fine, but you say something against any of these thousand and one religions, or their heads, or their brother-in-law’s uncle…all hell will simply break loose. If you think that I’m exaggerating, just come down from your ivory tower and try it yourself. A word of caution: Make sure that you’ve enough precautionary measures. If you think that you’re God, so that you can tell them and they will listen, you’re wrong. No one is going to give a rat’s ass about it. There are thousands in the midst of us who make the same claim.

Now let’s make a deal. Don’t worry, I’ve already told you that I don’t need your service here anymore. It’s for the other world. I’ve been so goody goody and all so far. But from now onwards I’m planning to be damn vicious and indulge in all those sins which will qualify me to the hell. In case if you think that you can put me in heaven for being pious and all, though for a shorter period, don’t dare to, you better don’t. I don’t like going to heaven, I prefer hell.


Blame it on my growing up reading tons of comics in which heaven and hell were featured quite frequently. The best things in heaven, as per my knowledge, are the women. Ms.Urvashi, Ms. Menaka, Ms. Rambha and Ms. Thilothama. I too like them, let me tell you, before you reach the conclusion that I’m gay. For a lot of my friends, the sole intention to go to heaven is just because of these gorgeous dancers. But those fools don’t know the fact. These beauties are just like a tempting offer. I don’t think that one will even get a chance to ogle at them. Of course they do dance and all, but rarely. They are eternally assigned with the task of tempting a rishi here and an asura there and will be juggling between traveling and tempting. Now, the other reasons, one by one. I think the place, heaven, will be filled with phoney people. Hence chances are there that I may need to shake hands with some of the phoniest guys around whom I hate like heaven. You got it? I’m no connoisseur of classical dance or carnatic music. I know a lot of idiots might be sitting through such boring sessions in heaven pretending that they enjoy it. I won’t, I can’t. How about the cuisine? Denizens will be served milk and fruits only, right? I need rum, at least on Saturdays.

Now the reasons why I prefer hell: I’m sure that I can find like-minded people there, people I can really relate to. I can sit in those dingy bars sipping rum and talking to them. When get bored I can sit with another bunch of guys and play a round of cards. And the women there aah! Devoid of all pretensions and snobbery, they will be nothing but women, of strength and character. May be less beautiful, comparing to their counterparts in heaven. But who cares. Beauty is skin-deep and beauty, as you may know, lies in the eyes of the beholder. About the terrible acts hell is known for: That’s just a misinformation campaign, right? Your way of keeping us humans scared. I don’t believe such crap that those sinned will be fried in oil. Nor I believe that one will be made to walk over bridges made of a strand of hair stretched across huge cauldrons of boiling oil. Phew, as if it’s bollywood movies of the 90s.

One more thing, I don’t believe your followers’ claim that you created the world. Actually it’s those people who created you. Am I right? Perhaps your ego may not allow you to admit it. It’s okay, I can understand for I too am damn ego-centric and all.

I know that I beat around the bush a bit. I would like to say it once again that I don’t have anything against you dude, God. It’s, as I have already mentioned, partly out of compassion and partly out of certain grudges against you that I decided to put an end to your service and set you free. You take care. I really mean it for I don’t know how you’re going to protect yourself from your folks. All the best.