On bright, Sunny days They plodded Like herd of cattle Dragged to the Slaughterhouse, And gushed back On pale evenings Like water, released after Dammed for years; The school children.
The two different similes on the same theme - do you find it right? Herd of cattle and the gush of dammed water flowing out. I feel the theme need to be worked over. When you jump from one metaphor/ simile to another, I think there should be something linking, connecting the images. The use of metaphors/similes enhances the visual quality of words; so the shift from one to another should be smooth.
the freedom one feels after the school is over is really well expressed by the gushing water metaphor!! Good to read so much poetry on your page after a long time.
Arun, the lines 'Like water, released after/Dammed for years' needs a relook from you, though not for the same reason. I find the images appropriate but the lines needing a relook. Think of it. I am back in action.
6 comments:
Good one bro! I still hate classrooms with teachers and exams. "We don't need no thought control"
The two different similes on the same theme - do you find it right? Herd of cattle and the gush of dammed water flowing out. I feel the theme need to be worked over. When you jump from one metaphor/ simile to another, I think there should be something linking, connecting the images. The use of metaphors/similes enhances the visual quality of words; so the shift from one to another should be smooth.
Just my opinion.
the freedom one feels after the school is over is really well expressed by the gushing water metaphor!! Good to read so much poetry on your page after a long time.
wow! what a beautiful imagery in few lines. really, why didn u write poetry before?
Arun, the lines 'Like water, released after/Dammed for years' needs a relook from you, though not for the same reason. I find the images appropriate but the lines needing a relook. Think of it. I am back in action.
Riju: Thanks daaa, Pink Floyd rocks! Has anything really changed? :)
Balan Sir: Done.
Sujataji: Good to hear that from you!
Sumi: :)
Venu Chettan: Done
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